Music: Michael Jackson Murdered!
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Conrad Murray

03/29/10 - Sad, but true. Thomas Watkins at The Associated Press says, "Michael Jackson's doctor halted CPR on the dying pop star and delayed calling paramedics so he could collect drug vials at the scene, according to documents obtained by The Associated Press that shed new light on the singer's chaotic final moments." Honestly, what a D-bag. Forget the whole science versus religion thing. I think the real battle here is science versus Hollywood. I mean think about it. Doctors have been killing celebrities for years. We should put a stop to this. I mean, what if Obama is next? Have you seen those shirts? He's the biggest celebrity we've ever had! I've heard people actually masterbate to statues of him in Los Angeles and San Francisco. The doctors are surely forming a plan to assassinate him. We need to create some sort of preemptive "Obama Protection Plan". If only healthcare was available to black people. Damn you corporate America!

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Music: Ricky Martin Is Gay!
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Ricky Martin Gay

03/29/10 - So, I guess I just lost a ten year old bet. Turns out Ricky Martin is gay after all. Who would have guessed? I mean he's so good looking and in shape and has that sexy voice and his lips are so...sorry, sorry. I got a little carried away there. What I meant to say was that the woman should love him, right? Well, to each their own. I just hope Justin Timberlake doesn't end up being gay. That would be the only thing to shock me more than this. Well, that, or maybe a secret moon base on the dark side of the moon...


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Gadgets: F You AT&T!



03/29/10 - Ok, so I know I'm way behind on posts, but it's not my fault. I've been traveling the world on my yacht banging hot chicks for the past few days. I didn't have much time to write about silly things like Apple computers. That is until I found out about this! Supposedly, Apple has started working on their next iPhone and they have finally grown the balls to tell AT&T to F the F off! It's about F-ing time if you ask me. AT&T sucks my balls. Honestly, they do. Every Wednesday and Friday we get together and they suck my balls. It's a very...well...never mind. That has nothing to do with this post. 

So, why is this awesome? Ok, that is a dumb question. If you have AT&T you know this is awesome because you don't have to use them anymore. If you don't have AT&T, you know this is awesome because you can now use an iPhone on whatever carrier you want. This is almost as exciting as when Harrison Ford announced on The Ellen De Generes Show that he was going to make another Indiana Jones. Let's just hope this plan ends up being a good one. (Yes, I watch The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Fuck you for laughing. I saw you watching Tyra Banks the other day you hypocrite.)

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TV: Jimmy Kimmel Sucker Punch
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03/25/10 - So the other night Jimmy Kimmel went on Letterman and talked about how he sucker punched Leno during the whole Conan debacle. Normally I'd be on Jimmy's side (I think Leno's sort of lame), but I honestly feel a little bad for Jay in this situation. I mean, he was a total dick for what he did to Conan, but I'm not sure Jimmy had the right to come on his show and humiliate him like that. I could see a place for it if Jimmy had been involved in some way, but he had nothing to do with it. He just threw himself into the mess to get some free publicity. Letterman at least had a history with NBC, so it sort of made since for him to talk about it, but I'm not really sure how Kimmel got so wrapped up in it. I'm not knocking Kimmel. He does a decent impersonation and I actually thought his interview with Leno was hilarious. I guess I just feel bad that everyone is beating up on him. I mean, sure, he's a cheese ball and everyone knows Conan has more talent, but does that mean we should ostrasize him? Honestly, what else can the guy do? It's not like he could transition into film or something. He's a late night talk show host. It he looses that, what else does he have? I probably would have stolen Conans spot back too. It's entertainment. It's cut throat. Its kill or be killed. Then again, I guess he could have become a used car salesman. He sure does know his engines.


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Gadgets: No Tethering For iPad


iPad Tether


03/25/10 - So, it's official. The iPad will not support tethering. It's not too much of a shock though, considering that AT&T hasn't allowed thethering since the iPhone came out. If you don't know, tethering is when you connect your iPhone to a laptop and use it's wireless network to connect to the Internet. More or less, if you have a cell phone signal, you could connect to the Internet. Great idea right? Sure, it makes complete and total sense. They've been doing it in Europe for years now. Why can't we do it here you might ask? Oh, that's easy. We can't do it here because the people at AT&T sent a memo from the death star saying "It would slow down AT&T's network."

This seemed unclear, so we paid an above average high school student to translate this vague message. We believe this is what AT&T meant to say: "We like charging people for laptop connect cards and if everyone could use their iPhones as a wireless card, we'd loose billions of dollars!" Wow! What were any of us thinking?!? We are all so selfish. How could we ever have thought that was a good idea? We can't screw AT&T over like that. They'd never screw us over. Right? I mean, who cares anyway? It's not like it really be that cool to be able to connect to the Internet from pretty much anywhere. I mean, that's why we have public libraries and pay as you go hot spots in Starbucks. America needs to stop trying to steal from big corporations. They're here to help us. I mean, imagine where this country would be if CEO's got 200 billion in bonuses last year instead of 400 billion? If CEO's and stockholders start making less money, Americans will loose their incentive to climb the corporate ladder. High school kids will stop trying to get into college. Our economy would collapse. Holy Jesus pie, this could get out of hand. Someone call Glenn Beck and have him run a story about this. If we can get people scared enough, maybe we can get them to donate a percentage of their paychecks directly to AT&T. I mean, maybe that's a little much, but we've got to keep America safe from the communists, socialists, fascists, nazi's, dictators, aliens and liberals. Something has to be done.


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Film: Another Tim Burton Remake
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Tim Burton

03/21/10 - Ok, I know everyone freaking loves Tim Burton and everything he touches, but whatever. I'm sick of him remaking everything. I thought his remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was ok, but it never needed to be remade in the first place. The original was awesome. Don't get me wrong, I liked Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice, Batman, and Batman Returns, but ever since his remake spree began with Planet of the Apes, he's been on a creative downhill spiral. I mean, come on, it's Charlton Heston. How can you mess with Charlton Heston? (I still haven't seen the remake just out of respect to the fallen master.) I've got nothing against Mark Wahlberg though. In fact, I actually like good old Marky Mark. 

Anyway, I haven't seen Alice In Wonderland yet either, but I don't really even want to. I don't get this whole '3D' revolution thing. I thought we decided to move past that back in the 80's? I appreciate what Hollywood is trying to achieve with 3D, but I still think they have a ways to go. I hate wearing those damn glasses. Maybe I'm a pussy, but by the end of a movie I usually have a pounding head ache and feel like throwing up my Milk Duds. Apparently everyone else in the world loves it though because Alice in Wonderland has now made $565.8 million. I'm not making that up. Click here if you don't believe me.

Anyway, I've ranted for long enough. The main reason I brought all this up is because he just got the green light to go forward on his next film. Guess what? That's right! You guessed it! It's another remake! Aren't you all excited! Yay! Apparently he now wants to take another classic, The Addams Family, and sprinkle his "Burton Dust" all over that as well. What the hell is his problem? Has he completely ran out of original ideas at this point? I mean, this is getting ridiculous. 

Also, if he's going to keep making remakes, can't he at least take crappy old films and then make them better? Why does he keep trying to one-up the classics? I don't get why people let him do it. If some painter came along and was like, "Hey, let me touch up the Mona Lisa. I wanna add some goblins in the background.", everyone would tell him to F-off, but somehow it's cool if Tim Burton does it to classic movies? Whatever, I guess I don't really give a shit. Burton can do whatever he wants. He's made more money in a weekend then I'll probably make in my whole damn life, so who the hell am I to criticize the guy? Besides, I guess I can't really talk anymore crap until I actually go see Alice In Wonderand for myself. Who knows, maybe I'll actually like it. I just hope he finally lets Johnny Depp branch off on his own after this. I miss him in roles like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Blow. I can't believe his wife made him quit that new movie with Angelina Jolie. What a bioch.


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Music: Lady Gaga's In Court
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Lady Gaga

03/20/10 - Lady Gaga's ex boyfriend and ex producer, Rob Fusari, is trying to sue her for 30.5 million dollars claiming that he helped start her career. Sounds to me like someone is a sore loser. It sucks to be left behind, especially when your ex becomes the biggest multi-million dollar pop sensation since Britney Spears, but no matter what the situation is, you've just got to get over it. I mean suing for 30.5 million? Come on man. That's a little rediculous.

I guess maybe he has some claim to the money considering he helped produce her, but he should have had that hammered out in writing before he started banging her. Classic celebrity-rookie mistake.

Anyway, he should just move on. I mean, when my last girlfriend left me, I got over it really quickly. I only slept outside her house for like 17 days. I was even courteous enough to move my tent across the street so her dog would stop barking and waking up the neighbors.


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