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TV: Jimmy Kimmel Sucker Punch
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03/25/10 - So the other night Jimmy Kimmel went on Letterman and talked about how he sucker punched Leno during the whole Conan debacle. Normally I'd be on Jimmy's side (I think Leno's sort of lame), but I honestly feel a little bad for Jay in this situation. I mean, he was a total dick for what he did to Conan, but I'm not sure Jimmy had the right to come on his show and humiliate him like that. I could see a place for it if Jimmy had been involved in some way, but he had nothing to do with it. He just threw himself into the mess to get some free publicity. Letterman at least had a history with NBC, so it sort of made since for him to talk about it, but I'm not really sure how Kimmel got so wrapped up in it. I'm not knocking Kimmel. He does a decent impersonation and I actually thought his interview with Leno was hilarious. I guess I just feel bad that everyone is beating up on him. I mean, sure, he's a cheese ball and everyone knows Conan has more talent, but does that mean we should ostrasize him? Honestly, what else can the guy do? It's not like he could transition into film or something. He's a late night talk show host. It he looses that, what else does he have? I probably would have stolen Conans spot back too. It's entertainment. It's cut throat. Its kill or be killed. Then again, I guess he could have become a used car salesman. He sure does know his engines.

 

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Gadgets: No Tethering For iPad

 

iPad Tether

 

03/25/10 - So, it's official. The iPad will not support tethering. It's not too much of a shock though, considering that AT&T hasn't allowed thethering since the iPhone came out. If you don't know, tethering is when you connect your iPhone to a laptop and use it's wireless network to connect to the Internet. More or less, if you have a cell phone signal, you could connect to the Internet. Great idea right? Sure, it makes complete and total sense. They've been doing it in Europe for years now. Why can't we do it here you might ask? Oh, that's easy. We can't do it here because the people at AT&T sent a memo from the death star saying "It would slow down AT&T's network."

This seemed unclear, so we paid an above average high school student to translate this vague message. We believe this is what AT&T meant to say: "We like charging people for laptop connect cards and if everyone could use their iPhones as a wireless card, we'd loose billions of dollars!" Wow! What were any of us thinking?!? We are all so selfish. How could we ever have thought that was a good idea? We can't screw AT&T over like that. They'd never screw us over. Right? I mean, who cares anyway? It's not like it really be that cool to be able to connect to the Internet from pretty much anywhere. I mean, that's why we have public libraries and pay as you go hot spots in Starbucks. America needs to stop trying to steal from big corporations. They're here to help us. I mean, imagine where this country would be if CEO's got 200 billion in bonuses last year instead of 400 billion? If CEO's and stockholders start making less money, Americans will loose their incentive to climb the corporate ladder. High school kids will stop trying to get into college. Our economy would collapse. Holy Jesus pie, this could get out of hand. Someone call Glenn Beck and have him run a story about this. If we can get people scared enough, maybe we can get them to donate a percentage of their paychecks directly to AT&T. I mean, maybe that's a little much, but we've got to keep America safe from the communists, socialists, fascists, nazi's, dictators, aliens and liberals. Something has to be done.

 

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Film: Another Tim Burton Remake
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Tim Burton


03/21/10 - Ok, I know everyone freaking loves Tim Burton and everything he touches, but whatever. I'm sick of him remaking everything. I thought his remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was ok, but it never needed to be remade in the first place. The original was awesome. Don't get me wrong, I liked Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice, Batman, and Batman Returns, but ever since his remake spree began with Planet of the Apes, he's been on a creative downhill spiral. I mean, come on, it's Charlton Heston. How can you mess with Charlton Heston? (I still haven't seen the remake just out of respect to the fallen master.) I've got nothing against Mark Wahlberg though. In fact, I actually like good old Marky Mark. 

Anyway, I haven't seen Alice In Wonderland yet either, but I don't really even want to. I don't get this whole '3D' revolution thing. I thought we decided to move past that back in the 80's? I appreciate what Hollywood is trying to achieve with 3D, but I still think they have a ways to go. I hate wearing those damn glasses. Maybe I'm a pussy, but by the end of a movie I usually have a pounding head ache and feel like throwing up my Milk Duds. Apparently everyone else in the world loves it though because Alice in Wonderland has now made $565.8 million. I'm not making that up. Click here if you don't believe me.

Anyway, I've ranted for long enough. The main reason I brought all this up is because he just got the green light to go forward on his next film. Guess what? That's right! You guessed it! It's another remake! Aren't you all excited! Yay! Apparently he now wants to take another classic, The Addams Family, and sprinkle his "Burton Dust" all over that as well. What the hell is his problem? Has he completely ran out of original ideas at this point? I mean, this is getting ridiculous. 

Also, if he's going to keep making remakes, can't he at least take crappy old films and then make them better? Why does he keep trying to one-up the classics? I don't get why people let him do it. If some painter came along and was like, "Hey, let me touch up the Mona Lisa. I wanna add some goblins in the background.", everyone would tell him to F-off, but somehow it's cool if Tim Burton does it to classic movies? Whatever, I guess I don't really give a shit. Burton can do whatever he wants. He's made more money in a weekend then I'll probably make in my whole damn life, so who the hell am I to criticize the guy? Besides, I guess I can't really talk anymore crap until I actually go see Alice In Wonderand for myself. Who knows, maybe I'll actually like it. I just hope he finally lets Johnny Depp branch off on his own after this. I miss him in roles like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Blow. I can't believe his wife made him quit that new movie with Angelina Jolie. What a bioch.

 

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Music: Lady Gaga's In Court
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Lady Gaga


03/20/10 - Lady Gaga's ex boyfriend and ex producer, Rob Fusari, is trying to sue her for 30.5 million dollars claiming that he helped start her career. Sounds to me like someone is a sore loser. It sucks to be left behind, especially when your ex becomes the biggest multi-million dollar pop sensation since Britney Spears, but no matter what the situation is, you've just got to get over it. I mean suing for 30.5 million? Come on man. That's a little rediculous.

I guess maybe he has some claim to the money considering he helped produce her, but he should have had that hammered out in writing before he started banging her. Classic celebrity-rookie mistake.

Anyway, he should just move on. I mean, when my last girlfriend left me, I got over it really quickly. I only slept outside her house for like 17 days. I was even courteous enough to move my tent across the street so her dog would stop barking and waking up the neighbors.

 

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Music: Miley Cyrus Is Hot And Young!
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Miley Cyrus


03/20/10 - So, a bunch of country bumpkins and jealous ugly girls have gotten upset with Miley Cyrus because in a recent interview she said this about why she has steered clear of the country music scene: "It scares me, that’s why. It feels contrived on so many levels. Unless you’re wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy boots and singing and whining about your girlfriend or boyfriend leaving you it’s not going to sell. I think that’s why my dad finally got out of it. You have to wear those cowboy boots and be sweet as pie. It makes me nervous, the politics of it all." 

I guess if you're a huge country fan, or you hate hot chicks, then you have a right to be pissed off at her for saying that. I, on the other hand, could never get upset at my girlfriend Miley. She's hot and young (everything I like my girlfriends to be). Sure, she might be one of those chicks that looses her hotness after she turns 21, but I don't care. We've still got a few good years left before that happens.

 

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Gadgets: Kindle For Mac?

 

Kindle For Mac

03/18/10 - Guess what book lovers!?! Amazon has now made Kindle available for Mac, which also means you can use it on your iPhone! I'm assuming that means you will also be able to use it on the iPad, but I never like to assume. Assuming usually makes and "Ass" out of "U" and "Me." Hahahahahahaha...hahaha...ha. Oh boy, that was a knee slapper! Anyway, I don't really give a shit about Kindle because I can barely read and books give me headaches. Unless they're those books full of pictures of naked chicks. I really like those books.

 

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Viral Video: Jesse James Is An Idiot.
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03/18/10 - Jesse James is an idiot and an asshole. This is sort of old news, but I'm just catching wind of it. What a dumb ass this guy is. He has supposedly been cheating on Sandra Bullock with some tattooed web cam girl for the past year while she was shooting her film The Blind Side (An awesome movie that won her an Oscar).

Sandra, if you want to get back at him, I'm available every day next week...and also the week after that. Honestly, I'm free the whole month. Just call me. You've got my number. Remember? I put it at the bottom of every email I send you. I promise I'll pick up. I'll keep my phone under my pillow for the next few nights in case you just need to talk...

Anyway, what is up with celebrities being cheating dumbasses lately? Honestly, first Tiger with like 30 nasty porn stars, then Matthew Fox with that stripper up in Oregon and now this. WTF? I don't get it at all. Cheating is retarded to begin with, but come on guys, you're rich and famous. You could at least bang hot chicks. Every girl these guys have chosen to cheat on their super-rich, super-hot and super-talented wives with were total trailer trash. Wait... Now that I stop to think about it, maybe I've been missing out on something. I'm gonna go find that bumb that sleeps outside near my trash bins (with the missing front teeth) and see if she wants to give me a blow job. I'll be back in 20.

 

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